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Slug Life – A Foot Novella

“Did you get your shell painted, Wolfgang?” I asked as I edged towards the jutting outcrop.
“My name is Heinrich, I don’t know why you keep calling me Wolfgang. And to answer your question, yes, it’s called Morning Blossom, do you like it?” He asked me from afar.
“I think it’s pretty original, I’ve never seen a shell like that before. Hey, you know who has a cool shell, that guy with two shells stacked on top of each other, he’s over there, on the other foot. Can you see him?” I waited as Heinrich gently slid over the veins, away from the jutting toes.
“No, I don’t believe I can,” he seemed disappointed.
“Watch out, that part’s hairy,” I told him as he approached a patch of thick, dark hair.
“I think we better leave, dude. Our foot host is eating chips, I don’t wanna end up like Sodium Steve.” I said as I maneuvered to the exit ramps on either side of the foot.


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This is Seattle

“You know Kurt, I’m really not feeling too flash tonight,” Dave said as he picked out a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Come on man, this is Seattle, the Homeland, this is our Canaan,” Kurt replied with a crooked smile.

“Dude, are you baked? We play in five minutes,” Dave laughed.

“Like I said Davey, this is Seattle.” Kurt started laughing maniacally and almost fell out of his chair. Krist saw this and shook his head, smiling.

“Gents, you’re on in 15 seconds, remember, this Seattle, give ‘em a good show,” the show manager shot them a wink as he trotted off backstage. The four men sat there in silence, looking out over the masses of people gathered in the wide open grassy plains of western Seattle. Topless women, thrust into the air on their boyfriends’ backs, drunken brawls, passionate love making, the crowd was a rowdy one, and the evening had only just started.

“Hey Pat, can you see the guy in the bright pink jumpsuit over there on the right? What an absolute tool! The men laughed, and their nerves disappeared.

“You’re on guys.”


Nate watched Nirvana walk out on stage confidently, Dave and Krist shirtless, long hair falling down around their shoulders. The crowd roared expectantly as Dave sat down at the drum kit at the back of the stage. Kurt and Krist picked up their guitars and Pat took his place to the right of Kurt.

“You know honey, this is my dream, I’ve waited for this for four years,” Nate said to the woman next to him. She obliged him by pulling up her pink crop top and pushing her breasts into his face.

“Here, sweetheart, another dream come true!” After she had scampered away, he took a step back and smiled.

“Nirvana!” Nate screamed into the crisp evening air.



Nate looked down at his feet, unable to comprehend that Nirvana were about to play a live show right in front of him. He realized that he was still wearing his pink jumpsuit.

“Oh man, how did I let Brad convince me to wear this piece of shit?” He laughed and turned his attention towards the stage, where Kurt was beginning his introduction.

“Good evening Seattle, you assholes. It’s great to be back in the Homeland, and without further ado, would you please Rape Me.” The crowd screamed with a holy fervour as the soft chords of Nirvana’s most controversial song reverberated through the tens of thousands of people gathered that evening in western Seattle. Nate looked to the left of him and saw a few shirtless men with bright coloured Mohawks trying their best to form a death pit. He would join them in a while, he thought. The Mohawk men banged their shoulders together and charged at one another recklessly, trying to incite the crowd to join them. Soon there was a wide open circle, filled not by people but by the litter they had left behind. The empty circle was ringed by masses of men, all the way around. As Kurt prepared to launch into his trademark screech, the men bristled with anticipation. As soon as the first inkling of the scream came into the cool night air, the men ringing the empty circle screamed themselves, and charged across the space with reckless abandon. Nate found himself charging alongside the very same young girl who had flashed her breasts before. She shot him a mischievous smile accompanied with a suggestive wink. Nate felt his charge slow as a dumb smile overtook his face. He shook his head and readied himself to level the man in his way. Nate started off into a sprint, right as the six foot three, two hundred and seventy five pound former Washington State linebacker threw himself into Nate’s chest, knocking him to the cold, hard floor, stealing his breath away.


Nate awoke to a dull, dry pain in the back of his throat. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, and realized his throat was on fire. He opened his eyes and began to scramble towards the closest drink taps. The burning was intense, and Nate felt as though the pain would gouge a hole through the back of his throat. He felt panic creep into his mind as he crawled along the floor like some wild animal. He could see the drink taps, and made a strong push to get there before he had breathed his last breath of Washington air. But before he could stand up, a slim pair of legs filled his vision. He looked up to see the same girl from previously that night standing there with a bottle in her hand.

“Clearly you can’t tolerate whisky like a real man.” Nate couldn’t see it, but there was a wide grin on her face as she said this.

“Hey, come on man, can’t you leave me alone?” Nate whined.

“Oh poor baby, grow a pair, I’m not interested in girls, you know. Get up and let’s go and do something fun. My name’s Penny, short for Pennyroyal. Guess what my favourite song is.” Nate stood up and smiled at Penny, forgetting the burning in his throat.

“Pennyroyal Tea? That’s my favourite too.” Nate smiled at her again and she smiled back.

“Give me some of that whisky then let’s go and do something crazy.” Nate said, with a wild, excited look in his eyes.


Nate and Penny emerged from the bathroom about 15 minutes later, grinning from ear to ear and breathing heavily.

“Your pink suit really did it for me, Nate”, Penny nudged him playfully and Nate returned the favour, chests still heaving.

“Brad told me I was gonna reel in the girls if I wore this.”

“Who’s Brad?” Penny inquired.

“He’s my best friend, he was going to come tonight but he pulled out because he had some business to attend to,” Nate looked down at the pant legs of his bright pink jumpsuit with a twinge of sadness. Penny picked up on this straight away.

“Hey man, don’t be sad. I’ll think of something to cheer you up!” Penny paused, thinking deeply for a moment. Her face lit up as she realized how she was going to cheer Nate up. She grabbed his hands and pulled them violently towards her, placing them gently on her breasts. Nate smiled.

“I prefer touching them when your clothes are off,” he grinned. Penny feigned a look of outrage.

“Well, I have standards, you know. I don’t just put out to random guys that I met at Nirvana concerts, damn, you’re so disrespectful, Nate.” Penny couldn’t say this with a straight face, and burst out laughing. Nate looked at her quizzically.

“Sarcasm, genius”, Penny snorted. “I can’t believe you didn’t pick up on that.” Nate looked slightly confused, and there was an awkward silence. He rushed to fill the gap.

“Is there any whisky left?” Penny shook her head no and turned away from Nate, who was certain she was going to walk away from him. He felt a strange void inside of him for a moment, but that void was quickly filled by a rising panic and a desperate need to impress Penny. But before Nate could say anything, Penny whirled around, her hair clumped around her shoulders and her eyes wild with some crazy passion.

“You know what would be epic, Nate, is if we rushed the stage.” Penny said this with complete calm, and her facial expression didn’t waver once; she was deadly serious. Nate quivered with a nervous excitement, but his better judgement eventually took over. After a long silence, Nate replied.

“I’m not sure that’s a great idea, I mean, those security guards are pretty fucking huge, Penny.”

“I know, but the thing here is, Kurt is an – old friend, I guess you’d call it. I made him quite happy once, I’m sure, he’d be glad to see us, and then he’ll call the security guards off us”, Penny reasoned. “Have a swig of this cider and then make up your mind.” She held out a bottle and Nate took it with one hand and twisted the top off with another. He took a long swig and brought the bottle down to his waist. He then brought it up to his lips for another drink, but stopped himself and chose to examine the bottle instead. He held it in front of his eyes and peered into it.

“You know, Penny, I really like cider.” Nate then stepped away from Penny and violently threw the bottle onto the ground. Pieces of glass flew into the air and one hit Nate’s arm, causing a deep gash to appear. Penny looked at the blood streaming from his arm, mortified. Nate looked too, but then turned his gaze to Penny, his legs and arms quivering.

“Let’s rush this goddamn stage.”


The security guard had his back to them; he was probably staring in amazement as Krist’s fingers slid over the strings of his bass guitar during his solo in Aneurysm. Penny looked back at Nate to make sure he was still following. Down on all fours, Penny crept past the security guard and crawled further along the narrow corridor between the mosh pit and the stretch of grass that lead up to the stage. Nate hurriedly followed Penny’s example. His heart was beating; he was certain the security guard would hear him. He had never done anything this exhilarating in his life, not even sex with a strange woman in a bathroom could match the adrenaline he felt coursing through his veins. Penny was around fifty metres from the nearest security guard when she decided to jump the fence. She leapt over it and landed with a thud on the dewy grass, she ran about ten metres forward then turned to Nate and screamed.

“Hurry up, Nate. We haven’t got all night you know, princess.” Nate leapt over the fence and began to chase after Penny, who had begun to charge towards the stage. “Work those little legs, Nate!” Penny yelled into the air. The band played on, unaware of the two people storming towards them. There was only ten metres separating Penny and the stage when the security guard first noticed them. He quickly jumped the low fence and thundered across the open grass towards them, gaining on them faster than what seemed humanly possible.

“Run, Penny, Run!” Screamed Nate as the security guard’s heavy footsteps sounded just behind him. Penny was almost at the stage, and started her run up to leap onto the stage.


Nate stood and looked. He was standing four metres away from Kurt Cobain. But Kurt didn’t even notice him; his eyes were fixed on Penny. The band had stopped playing.

“Penny, what the fuck are you doing on my stage?” Asked Kurt softly, having dropped his microphone.

“I saw you and I thought I’d come say hello, you’ve always got time for me anyway, haven’t you?” Before he could answer, she introduced Nate. “This is my friend Nate, he’s pretty cool.” Nate stepped forward dumbly and shook Kurt’s hand, mumbling unintelligibly about how he was on the same stage as Nirvana.

“Penny, I don’t know how you got up here, but there’s four security guards right there who would love to spear tackle you into oblivion.” Kurt gestured to the four large African American men standing to the side of the stage. “What are you doing here, Penny? It was like six years ago.” Penny smiled as he said this.

“Kurt, I’m not here about our intimacy, I just wanna make a request, a song request.” Nate though, having finally caught on, was struggling to comprehend what he had heard.

“Wait, wait, wait. Penny, you had sex with Kurt Cobain?” Nate asked, his jaw hanging.

“Yup.” Penny smiled.

“Way cool,” Nate breathed.

“Okay Penny, what song do you want? We’ve got a show to play.” Kurt gestured to the massive crowd, watching on in amazement and amusement.

“Nate, what do you want?”Asked Penny.

“Molly’s Lips, please”, Nate said softly. As soon as he had said this, Kurt turned to Dave and Krist, who nodded at him, and the first riff of Molly’s Lips filled the night air and Nate’s ears.

“This is the best night of my life,” Nate screamed, his face turned upwards to the heavens once more.


“Nate? Nate, Doctor Johansson is coming in now.”

“Good morning, Nate. How are you?”

“Good thanks, Brad.”

“Ah, Nate, remember we talked about this, my name is Doctor Johansson, not Brad, please call me Doctor Johansson. I see you fell asleep in your pink jumpsuit again, Nate. You know that’s you day uniform, we’d prefer it if you wore your pyjamas to bed.”

“Yes, Brad.” Nate mumbled. Doctor Johansson sighed. “Where’s Penny?” Nate asked.

“Penny? There’s no Penny here, Nate, just myself and Molly, you remember Molly, don’t you? She’s your nurse.”

“But I want Penny.”

“Here, Nate, you need your medicine now, give me your arm.” Doctor Johansson reached for Nate’s arm, who made no effort to pull it away from the syringe the doctor held in his hand. Nate allowed the syringe to penetrate his skin.

“Will I be able to go to Nirvana on Friday, Brad? I’ve been really excited.”

“We’ll see, Nate. You need your rest.”










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The Lord’s Prayer

Our Swag King,who art in cotton on, hallowed be thy factory pants

Thy abs shall peak

Thy followers shall mire 

On Facebook as it is on Insta 

Give us our photo our daily bread

And forgive our lack of swag

As we forgive those who trespass your beauty

And lead us not into your photo album

But deliver us from fagetness



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The Timid Shade

The warmer months spent coiled in a passionate embrace
Their bodies, furnaces through the sweltering Summer
Glistening with sweat, brows quivering under the weight of the passions they entertained
Candles burned through the evening, giving light to their fantasies
A tangled mess of passions and emotions under the timid shade of the old oak tree
Every day a lifetime of happiness, express delivered free of any pain

The rains came suddenly, their embrace was doused
Their furnaces visible no lounger, hidden from sight by tweeds and thick wool
Their brows, inactive now for many days, turned rigid; stony and free of emotion
The wick of the candles burned down, darkness descending between them
The oak tree no longer a shade from from the beating weather
Rugged up in bed, taking in nothing but the cold air the other used to breathe

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About a Girl

A misplaced lock of hair
The only sign of imperfection
Of an otherwise unmarred face
Tempered by desire and forged by perfection

A pair of twinkling blue eyes
Gleaming with intelligence in the dull light
Seem to be reading your soul from afar
Never once needing contact to see straight through

A spate of freckles breathe life into
A canvas of softest proportions
Heeding no master, no warning
They spatter the canvas with their plain magnificence

A nose that has taken the perfect angle
Of descent towards an immaculately curved mouth
Of subtle red and seductive pink
Fullest lips of the most daring crimson

A shining beacon in the dark
A memory best forgotten
A warning best listened to
But never once heeded

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Here Comes the Rain Again

The steady dripdrip of the shower
Multiplied one thousand times
He sat there, conversing with friends
Garnier, Pantene and Nivea

Under the waterfall is a beautiful mirage
The world seen through watery eyes
Blurred and indistinctive, no focus on the pain
The water was sent to wash away

The rain falls nowhere but over his head
He sits in puddles of his own despair
The sun shines bright
He always said he was more of a Winter person anyway

The droplets of water have each other for company
They race, frolic and play
He watches them, even the shower
Is no escape from the lonely torments of life

The irony is strong
The societal thinking place, the place for pondering
The place where the last thought occurred
Leaving those on the outside left only to ponder why

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